Only an idiot would drop $1,000 on a Dyson air purifier

You can also look like Hannibal Lecter for the low, low cost of around $1,000.

This week, British technology company Dyson, which dries your hands in airports and makes expensive vacuum cleaners you’ll never buy, unveiled its new Cockamamie noise-canceling headphones that purify the air at the same time — for a whopping $949.

Can they also disinfect the floor? Because I just vomited.

Look at them. This true skull cage is less flattering than orthodontic headgear, masking your smile rather than enhancing it.

Essentially, you’re throwing a great song to get hit in the ballpark by Nelson from The Simpsons.

Since he feigns the future, the Zone is a retrograde device in more ways than one.

While Apple has made wearable technology more modest — the more attractive, over-the-ear AirPods Max cost about half the area price — Dyson wants to turn consumers with deep pockets into Dumas’ Man in the Iron Mask. Only here, Duma is spelled stupid.

The company should target those still wearing N95 masks on a jog in the park on a windy day, or alone in the car on the way to work. We’re all clearing our drawers of old cloth face coverings—so why not fill the void with a giant metallic one? The area is said to filter out 99% of particulate pollution, but Dyson doesn’t go so far as to say it prevents COVID.

However, they do say that with the air filter attachment, the headphones weigh 1.5 pounds — about 10% of the weight of the average human head. Call your chiropractor!

But wouldn’t it be nice to breathe completely sterile air most of the time? Not right.

This fall, experts say the US endured its highest rate of hospitalizations in a decade, which they blame on a lack of exposure to germs during COVID lockdowns.

“We suspect that many children are now exposed to some respiratory viruses for the first time, having avoided these viruses at the height of the pandemic,” said Dr. Jose Romero, director of the CDC’s National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases.

And what goes with an antibacterial electronic mask better than noise canceling? Now it’s super easy to be an antisocial junkie from anywhere in the world!

Therefore, the area is perfect for someone who wants to look like a moron all day, breathe quality air from a scuba tank and not talk to or hear anyone. It’s also suitable for anyone looking to catch the worst flu of their life after briefly removing their headphone mask at a restaurant.

The region will be available in March – by appointment only. But anyone who drops $1,000 on Google Glass 2.0 really needs an appointment with a therapist.